


Losing You Is Not An Option

by purgatorys_fallen_angel (too_old_for_fangirling_but_idc)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Hurt Castiel (Supernatural), Hurt Jimmy Novak, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Mild Smut, Minor Injuries, Mutual Pining, Protective Dean Winchester, Sharing a Body
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-24
Updated: 2020-06-24
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:47:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24891043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/too_old_for_fangirling_but_idc/pseuds/purgatorys_fallen_angel
Summary: It was no secret that Dean had a thing for Cas, it never had been. But when he finally starts to open up and admits his feelings to Cas, Cas starts to behave differently. He seems quieter, sleeps more and suddenly starts to eat as well. And he seems to be uncomfortable with Dean being closer to him. Of course, Dean sees that as a rejection but after a few more days he realizes that there is more to Cas’ weird behaviour.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Castiel/Jimmy Novak/Dean Winchester, Jimmy Novak/Dean Winchester
Comments: 4
Kudos: 59
Collections: DCJ Big Bang 2020





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first DCJBB and I'm very excited to post it and thank you so much to the mods  
> for running something as awesome as this bang!  
> I also want to thank the lovely artist who created the beautiful artwork for this fic, [PassionPhantom](https://passionphantom.tumblr.com/).  
> And a big thank you to Banshee1013 for beta reading.
> 
> I hope you all enjoy :)

It was no secret that Dean had a thing for Cas. It never had been. Sometimes Dean got the feeling that everyone besides Cas knew. And everyone kept teasing him about it, especially Sam – and Gabriel, when he had occasion. The biggest problem, though, was that Dean still hadn’t had the guts to talk to Cas about it, to finally openly _admit_ his feelings. And that was a really, _really_ big problem. Maybe if he wasn’t so caught up in his own mind, and set up expectations he wouldn’t be so lost when it came to confessing to Cas, a guy, an actual angel of the freaking Lord. Cas who could read minds, who knew everything about humankind, and was perfectly capable of speaking basically every language that had ever existed… And who had probably never experienced a romantic relationship before. Sometimes Dean thought he saw a spark of emotion in Cas’ too-blue eyes, but then, maybe those sparks were just some remnants of Jimmy, or something Cas had learned from him.

It was easy to forget that Cas was supposed to be an ancient being without feelings. Because Cas was… special. He wasn’t like any of the other angels Dean had met so far. He wasn’t an emotionless douchebag. Well, he kind of had been in the beginning, but he had his own way, and he had understood the idea of free will, sort of. And he had never let them down. Hell, Cas had suffered for them, even died for them. He was more than a friend at that point. He could be trusted. He was family. And maybe even more for Dean. It felt right to have him close, to just sit at the kitchen table or in the library or on the couch with him. Yes, maybe that was more than family. Dean _knew_ it was more than family. It was love. Something Dean had never spent too much time thinking about, it just got too frustrating too quick. However, at some point even a Winchester had to face his emotions, right? What was so wrong about wanting to spend the rest of his life with Cas?

“Dean? Is everything all right?” The blue eyes Dean had just thought off now stared at him, seemingly right into his soul, and Dean silently prayed that Cas hadn’t chosen that moment to read his thoughts.

“Uh, yeah, sure.” Dean gave a short nod, and quickly went back to whatever he had been doing on his laptop. Honestly, he wasn’t sure what he had been busy with before his thoughts had drifted off to a certain dark-haired angel in the same room.

“Are you sure?” Damn, his voice was so deep and so… sexy. How was he supposed to focus on anything when Cas was almost directly next to him, sending shivers down his spine with just his voice?

“Yeah, I’m fine, Cas.” He closed his laptop because he wouldn’t be able to be productive like that anyway. “You know what? Actually, there’s something that’s bothering me.” He stood and picked up his so far untouched glass of whiskey on the way. Leaning against the table, he glanced at Cas. Yep, he had his full attention now. Yay.

“Well, if you want to talk I am always listening, Dean.” Cas offered a small smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes, but it was enough to tell Dean that he meant it. There was a part within him that screamed at him to finally admit his feelings, to finally open up to Cas, and at least _try_. Because maybe there was a chance. A chance that Cas felt the same.

Dean straightened his posture and braced himself for what he was about to ask. “Y’know, I thought, maybe it would be nice to go out sometime. Just you and me, I mean.”

The confusion on Cas’s face felt like a slap to the face, and Dean winced involuntarily. “Just a suggestion.”

“And Sam?” Cas tilted his head slightly and squinted his eyes, his typical ‘I-don’t-understand-what-you-want-to-tell-me-Dean’ facial expression. If Dean interpreted it the right way.

“Yeah, I thought we could go on something like a date.” He shrugged. “And I don’t exactly want to go on a date with my brother.”

Blue eyes focused on him, confusion now very evident in them. “But why would you want to go on a date with me? Isn’t a date something for a romantic relationship between humans?”

Closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, Dean managed to calm his nerves and not roll his eyes in a probably too dramatic way. “Well, maybe I want to go on a date with you because you are more than simply a friend to me.”

“Oh…okay.” For the first time, Cas averted his gaze and shifted in his seat, then he got up and walked out of the room. He simply left the room, in the middle of the conversation, without giving Dean a proper answer.

“Cas?” Dean couldn’t believe what had just happened. “Where are you going?”

“To my room. I wish to be alone now, Dean.” And the door closed directly in front of Dean.

 _Seriously_? Dean frowned. What kind of shitty reaction to asking someone out was that?! Well, technically it wasn’t a rejection, right? Because all Cas had said was ‘oh okay’. Maybe that meant that he was okay with going out but was just overwhelmed by the question. On the other hand, his reaction hadn’t exactly been positive, let alone enthusiastic. He had just seemed… reserved and somewhat taken aback. Had he been too direct?

Dean shook his head to clear his thoughts when he realized that he was still standing in front of Cas’s room in the bunker. He should give Cas some time to think about it. Later, at dinner, he could still ask him about his reaction, or if he had come up with a decision. The reasonable part of him knew that Cas needed time to understand what was happening and that he shouldn’t press too much now. That would just backfire. And the last thing he wanted to do was to push Cas to do anything he actually didn’t feel comfortable with.

Dean heaved a sigh and turned around, his feet carrying him back to his own room. Maybe some music would distract him. Yeah, that was probably a good idea. Just to calm down, soothe himself a bit and let himself be carried away by nothing more than his favourite tunes. Good enough. Then, perhaps, he would stop thinking about one certain blue-eyed angel just across the hallway. He closed the door behind himself, and flung himself down on the bed, ignoring the protesting creaking sound the bedframe offered. He fumbled for his Walkman and a tape and put on his headphones. Turning the volume to the highest level, he leaned back against the headboard and closed his eyes, feeling his muscles relax slowly.

Dean jolted awake abruptly, for a moment so confused that he couldn’t even orient himself in his own room. The lights were still on but the tape had obviously played it’s last song a while ago. Instinctively, he scanned the room for any danger, his hand already holding the gun that was always lying under his pillow. He had no clue what had woken him up. Everything was quiet, not even a sound, not in his room, not from the hallway. But his senses were tingling with the feeling that something wasn’t right, so he got up, gun aimed and ready. Carefully, Dean scanned his room once more before he opened the door and stepped into the hallway, slowly, so as to not make too much noise and reveal his position to any possible enemy. The light in the hallway was on but it was quiet. Dean kept close to the wall, the gun raised, every sense trained to notice even the slightest difference. But there was no difference. The lights weren’t flickering, no cold spots and no weird noises.

Hm.

Could he be overreacting? Probably. After years of hunting his senses were sharpened to be alarmed by nearly anything that was just a little bit off. He lowered his gun and peeked around the corner of the door to the kitchen.

“Cas?!” Dean still had his gun in his hands when he stepped into the kitchen. “What are you doing here?” He gestured towards the counter. Well, seeing the toast and cheese it was kind of obvious what Cas had been up to but… _why_? Cas was an angel. He didn’t _need_ to eat. Or did he? Had something happened? Had he been hurt in a fight Sam and Dean didn’t know about?

“Dean!” Cas looked surprised, almost as if Dean had caught him in the act. Which he hadn’t, of course. He fidgeted with the sandwich in his hands. “I… uhm… I am eating.”

“Yeah, I can see that. But _why_?” Dean came closer, eyeing the man in front of him skeptically. “Are your batteries drained again?”

“No…no, I don’t think so.” Cas shifted and put the sandwich down on a plate. He was embarrassed, Dean noticed. “My body just seems to require nutrition now.”

“Uhm…okay.” Dean leaned against the kitchen counter, still eyeing Cas. “How come?”

“I don’t know. There is nothing wrong with my grace. My ‘angel mojo’.” He paused for a short moment, using air quotation marks for whatever reason. “Maybe something is weakening my powers, but if so, I can’t sense it.”

Dean nodded and made some coffee, then he reconsidered and looked up at Cas. “You want some coffee?” He held up another mug and raised one eyebrow suggestively.

“Uhm…” Cas seemed confused for a second but quickly pulled himself together again. “Yes, please.”

While pouring the coffee into the mugs, Dean kept glancing at the angel. Just now he noticed the dark circles under his eyes and the unusually pale skin. He looked like he hadn’t slept in days. Which, again, was weird and didn’t really make sense. If something was really weakening Cas’ powers, or worse, suppressing his grace, they had to act quickly and find the source. It wasn’t the first time Cas’ grace and powers had been ‘burning out’ and Dean didn’t even want to imagine what would happen once it was drained. No. Losing Cas wasn’t an option. Not again. Not when he was finally so close to confessing, so close to actually getting somewhere with their relationship.

Cas grabbed his cup a bit awkwardly when Dean handed it to him, but Dean waved it off as nervousness. There was reason enough to be nervous for him, especially when he couldn’t rely on his own powers and suddenly needed to satisfy certain human needs. Sure, Cas had been human before, but this was different. It was unexpected, and there was no apparent reason or logical explanation.

“I’ll talk to Sam. We’ll keep our eyes open and check the bunker for anything suspicious.” Dean took a sip of his own coffee. Black, no sugar. “Now eat that damn sandwich.” He motioned to the toast and cheese that was still lying untouched on the countertop.

Uncertainly, Cas reached for the sandwich, still looking at Dean as if he was some kind of alien, but then he quickly started eating. _He must be starving,_ Dean thought. _It’s so weird._ He had only seen him eat a few times so far and those meals had mainly consisted of frozen burritos and PB&J sandwiches. Realizing that staring like that could eventually be considered rude and inappropriate, Dean lowered his gaze to the coffee in front of him. _Stop being such a fool. He’s probably not even interested._ The thought made him grit his teeth and clench his fingers so hard around the cup in his hands that, for a second, he was afraid it might break. It didn’t, of course. The silence was almost maddening, creating an unwanted tension – at least on Dean’s part – that made him shift around awkwardly. _Fantastic._ Standing around like a moron certainly hadn’t been part of his plan.

“Cas, listen – “

“My body requires rest. I’m going back to my room now, Dean. Thank you for the coffee.” For the second time that day Dean was cut off mid-sentence by Cas who quickly put his plate in the dishwasher and hurried back to his own room. _To do what? Sleep? Really?_ Deans’ brows furrowed in concern, but he didn’t follow Cas, instead he decided to just let it be and went to get himself a drink. _Nice._


	2. Chapter 2

Cas’ behaviour didn’t get better over the next few days. If anything, it got worse. Dean rarely saw him outside of his room, and if he did it was for dinner or breakfast and Cas punished him with silence. He seemed to sleep now as well. Regularly even, Dean had noticed. It was weird. It wasn’t something Cas normally would do. Not their Cas. And he stuck around. Cas was sticking around for an unusual long amount of time. That he stayed for a few days was nothing new, but this time it was longer. And that, combined with his odd behaviour, simply seemed strange to Dean. It was out of character.

At the moment they didn’t have to worry about anything really. It was calm out there. Sam and Dean still left the bunker for hunts, but the cases weren’t too difficult or bad. Either the demons and angels were up to something, or the situation had calmed down – for the first time in what? Months? Years? Dean didn’t know and honestly didn’t give a shit. They had caught a break and he’d be damned if he wouldn’t use that opportunity. Hell, after everything that had happened, they really deserved some time off. Some time off for a vacation at the beach or just – in Sam’s and Cas’s case probably – in the bunker, reading all the books that their small library offered. They could watch movies together, cook together or just hang out. It all played out so beautiful in Dean’s mind. Unfortunately, Cas didn’t seem to like that plan all that much. Well, Dean hadn’t exactly talked to him about it yet because _Cas_ preferred to stay in _his_ room lately, out of the common room areas. It was hard enough to exchange a few pleasantries with him every day which usually only consisted of small talk and the never-changing “I’m fine, Dean.” when he ventured to ask if everything was all right. It was difficult, to say the least. All that and the forced smile Cas offered every time they were close or in the same room just added to Dean’s fear of being rejected by the angel.

“Don’t you think Cas is behaving weird lately?” Sam was sitting next to Dean at one of the tables in their library, fumbling with the pages of whatever book he was currently reading.

“Weird how?”

“Weird like… he’s eating, using our bathroom… he even looks tired, man. I don’t know but to me this seems all kinds of _weird_.” Sighing, Sam rubs the bridge of his nose. He was right. Dean knew he was right. That didn’t make it any easier though.

“Yeah…about that.” Dean placed his hands on the table and stared at his beer for a moment, pondering whether to tell Sam what had happened the other day or not.

“What did you do?” Of course. _He knows I fucked up_. Dean sighed and braced himself for another lecture.

“Well, I may have told him that I have feelings for him and want to date him.” He shrugged helplessly at Sam’s confused look.

“And? I mean, that was kind of obvious.” Sam’s expression changed from confused to resigned. “You think he’s behaving like that because you asked him out.”

“Maybe.” Dean squirmed under his brother’s scrutinizing gaze.

“Dean, not everything is your fault. You know that, right?” Sam looked at him and raised one eyebrow, obviously questioning Dean’s statement. Yeah, right. To someone he was always wrong. To someone he always _got_ it wrong. Wasn’t Sam right, though? When Dean had gathered all his courage and asked Cas out, the angel had already been acting different. Dean had literally caught him eating a sandwich in the kitchen, which was weird enough as it was.

“Man, something isn’t right, and we gotta figure out what it is. Or at least ask Cas about it.” The book in front of him long forgotten, Sam straightened up and looked around. “Where is he right now, anyways?”

“In his room, doing whatever.”

“Then let’s go and ask him.” Sam rose from his chair and clapped his hands, rubbing them together like some psycho with a completely crazy plan.

“Stop doing that.” Dean gestured towards his brothers’ hands and sighed quietly. “You look like a maniac when you’re doing that.” He explained because he felt like he had to elaborate or at least say something to stop the awkward silence. “Can we go now?” He didn’t want to. He really _really_ didn’t want to – but he had no choice. If they wanted to know what was wrong with Cas they eventually had to ask, Sam was right about that. And as much as Dean didn’t like the idea of confronting Cas after his failed attempt to ask for a date – for more than a simple friendship even – he had to admit that perhaps this time it wasn’t entirely his fault.

Sam rolled his eyes but started walking, leaving the library with Dean in tow. Suddenly, the distance from the library to Cas’ room seemed longer than usual, the hallway stretching endlessly in front of them.

_What if he doesn’t want to talk to me? He kinda made that clear the past few days._ Every possible worst case scenario was crossing his mind on their way to Cas’ room. Was he even in his room at the moment? He was an angel after all, maybe he was still leaving the bunker without either of them noticing, and he had every right to do so, he was a free man.

“Cas?” Sam knocked on the door and waited a few seconds before he added. “May we come in?”

There was a noise inside, sounding suspiciously like someone was trying to shuffle around things, then the door was being opened. The first thing Dean saw was hair. A bunch of black, untamed hair, only visible through a small crack of the door, followed by piercing blue eyes that gazed warily at Dean and Sam.

“Yes?” Cas’s voice sounded strained and a notch higher than usual. He was peering skeptically at them, his face contorted in a confused frown. It wasn’t the squinting Dean was used to; no, there was more emotion in Cas’ eyes which he felt mildly uneasy about. For a moment – that felt like forever – he just stared at them, his eyes darting back and forth between Dean and Sam, but then he stepped back and pushed the door open the rest of the way.

_Don’t stare._ Dean chided himself, but it was already too late, the sight in front of him simply too strange to not stare. Cas’s trenchcoat was crumpled on the floor, contrary to his neatly folded suit and shirt on the chair next to the bed. Cas himself was wearing the sweatpants and Led Zeppelin shirt Dean had given him a day ago. Frankly, it wasn’t the clothes that freaked Dean out. It was the fact that it was _Cas_ who was wearing something else. It just seemed off, and all kinds of weird to see the guy who never _ever_ took off his coat – Dean wasn’t counting the very few occasions Cas had actually taken it off – now standing in front of them without his typical trademark. Somehow, he almost appeared naked without it.

“Are you all right?” Sam didn’t enter Cas’s room. Apparently, he had noticed Cas’s nervousness and had decided to respect his privacy. “You seem more… cautious lately.”

“Hm…?” Cas’s eyes widened and he took a step back, wrapping his arms around his upper body as if to protect himself. “No, I’m fine.”

_Fine, sure._ ‘I’m fine’ was basically the Winchester way of saying that he was everything _but_ fine. And Dean could _see_ that Cas wasn’t fine. The circles under his eyes had darkened, the sweatpants were hanging loosely around his hips, and Dean could almost imagine how sharp his hipbones had to be just by looking at Cas’ arms. Okay, maybe he was exaggerating, but to him Cas was getting close to looking like a freaking skeleton.

“No, you’re not.” Dean insisted and crossed his arms in front of his chest. “Cas, you said it yourself: you’re eating now, you’re sleeping when you shouldn’t have to do that. So, look me in the eye and tell me again that you’re fine.”

Cas just stared at him, unblinking and basically unmoving. But he didn’t say anything, he just kept quiet.

“Cas, man, you gotta talk to us. Whatever it is, whatever’s happening, we can help you. We _will_ help you.” It was getting harder for Dean to not notice the small details that were off and hadn’t been there before. Cas’ posture was different, not as stiff and more crouched than the last time Dean had seen him. He was fidgeting and fumbling with the edge of his shirt, obviously a new nervous habit. Something was wrong. Something was very wrong with him and it drove Dean half crazy that he couldn’t figure out what it was.

“I’m _fine_ , Dean. And I don’t want to talk about it.” Cas narrowed his eyes, suggesting that he was either pissed or genuinely confused. Dean knew better, though. He had noticed the slight tremor in Cas’s voice and the way he kept avoiding both Dean’s and Sam’s eyes.

“Yeah, fine, sure. You know if you’d-“ Dean was cut off when Cas slammed the door shut, ending their conversation abruptly. “Well that was…unexpected.”

Sam didn’t answer, in fact, he just turned around and walked back towards the kitchen, Dean following shortly behind. Sam’s face was grim. “Dean?”

Dean stormed to the cabinet and fumbled for a glass and one of the bottles of whiskey. He needed a drink now. To collect himself. He filled his glass and took a few sips before he placed it back down on the counter and turned back around to look at Sam. “Well, what do we do now?”

Sam sighed and eyed the glass and the whiskey, obviously not approving of Dean’s need to drink when he was stressed. “Please tell me you noticed his voice.”

“Of course I noticed his voice, I’m not deaf.” Dean snapped and crossed his arms in front of his chest to suppress the urge to pace around the room. “Do you think he’s sick?”

“No.” Sam looked like he was about to freak out. Most likely because Dean hadn’t gotten a hint that Sam had already understood hours ago.

“Dean, that wasn’t _Cas’s_ voice.” Sam gestured towards the hallway, towards Cas’s room to be more precise. “Remember when Cas left? When we met Jimmy? _That’s_ what he sounds like right now.”

“So…” Dean picked up his glass again and took another sip. “You’re telling me we just talked to Jimmy, and not Cas? And what kind of magic would even have caused that?”

“I don’t know. But don’t you think it is weird that he hasn’t tried to escape yet?” Sam wandered to the library. “I think Cas is still in charge.”

The rest of the conversation was sort of drowned out. Dean was too lost in his own thoughts to pay attention to whatever Sam was saying. What were they supposed to do if his brother was right? How had Jimmy even been able to come through? He had never seen something like that happen to an angel before. The vessel had always been suppressed, _tied to a comet_ , as Jimmy had said himself. Perhaps he had found a way to regain control over his own body. Even though it seemed to be just temporarily and not permanently. Dean couldn’t quite put a finger on what worried him so much. Technically, it was still Jimmy’s body, so he was kind of entitled to claim it back. The thought of losing Cas, though, was what made Deans’ fingers twitch with anxious concern. Wanting his own body back meant that Cas eventually had to leave and either go back to heaven or look for another – willing – vessel. And that was something Dean wasn’t ready for yet.


	3. Chapter 3

Cas hadn’t come out of his room for the following four days. Not to eat, not to drink and Dean doubted that he had been to the bathroom during his self-quarantine or whatever he was doing. At some point Dean had been so worried that every morning and evening he had left a tray with food and some water and juice in front of Cas’ room, giving the door a few knocks to let the angel know that he had been there. And, to his overall relief, when he walked by Cas’s room in the afternoon of the second day, the tray he had left in the morning was gone. From there on it seemed like Cas was at least eating and drinking again, although he still remained in his room. Dean couldn’t tell for sure, though, because Sam had dragged him along to an ordinary hunt on the third and fourth day. So, naturally, he hadn’t been in the bunker to check on Cas regularly and that had made him quite the nervous mess. Much to Sam’s displeasure. Eventually, he had kicked Dean out of Baby and had left him at the motel room to finish the hunt on his own. In the end, Dean had settled down to polish and clean his weapons until his brother returned. If he hadn’t busied himself like that he would have allowed himself to start thinking about Cas again. And he had done that to such an extent that there was nothing really left to think about. He had tried to understand Cas’s behaviour, the way he obviously didn’t want to accept their help, and, which had been the hardest for him, he had tried – and failed gloriously – to come to terms with Cas’s choice to ignore Dean’s invitation for more than just friendship. Sure, if Jimmy was really surfacing again, Cas’s decisions might as well be influenced by him. Or maybe Cas simply didn’t want to risk anything as long as he wasn’t sure what was happening to him and what was causing it.

“Maybe you should talk to him again.” Sam suggested when they arrived at the bunker and walked down the stairs to the central area. The lights were on and everything seemed just like they had left it. Perhaps Cas had stayed in his room the entire time, but somehow Dean hoped to find some hints that the angel hadn’t done exactly that. He was half human now and inevitably had to use the bathroom just as everyone else. Or the kitchen, especially because over the last two days Dean hadn’t left any trays in front of Cas’s door. He had made sure that the fridge was fully stocked before they left, but no one had to know about that. After dropping his bag in his room he made a beeline to the kitchen and checked the fridge. It was mostly full, but a few apples and some crackers from the supply cabinet were missing. Good. That was good. It meant Cas had at least eaten _something_. He got a bottle of water and a granola bar and headed towards his crush’s room, hesitating slightly before willing himself to knock.

“Hey Cas. It’s me, Dean. We’re back from our hunt and I just wanted to…uh… check on you.” When there was no answer he shifted worriedly. “Cas, buddy. Can I come in?”

Again, no answer. He had to check on him. He couldn’t just leave it at that, go to his own room and act as if nothing was wrong. Hell, Cas could be hurt or sick.

“Okay, I’m coming in.” Dean warned, waited a few more seconds and then turned the doorknob. To his great relief the door opened effortlessly. “Cas? You there, man?” He pushed the door open all the way and stepped into the room. It was dark, besides a soft glowing lightbulb on the nightstand next to the bed. For a second Dean wondered since when Cas was sleeping with a nightlight, but then he remembered that just a few days ago Cas hadn’t needed to sleep at all. It was impossible to judge whether he slept with lights on or off, because Dean hadn’t enough experience with the angel’s sleeping rhythm and habits to do so.

Movement in the corner of his eye caught his attention and he crossed the small distance to the bed. There, lying on the bed and bundled up in several blankets – Dean’s blanket included, he noticed – was Cas, looking smaller and more fragile than Dean had ever seen him. Just his black hair was sticking out from under the covers and he seemed to be curled up on his side. _Foetal position_ , Dean noticed, _as if to protect himself. But from what?_ He put the water bottle and the granola bar on the nightstand and sat down on the edge of the bed, careful not to disturb or frighten the angel.

“Cas?” He asked quietly, his voice barely more than a whisper. He didn’t want to admit it but seeing Cas like that scared the hell out of him. Literally.

“Hmh..?” Cas turned a bit and pushed the blankets down until Dean was able to see his face. He looked worse than just a few days ago. His voice was rough and raspy, his skin pale and the bags under his eyes had worsened noticeably.

“Are you getting sick?” Before he could stop himself or even think about it, he reached out and touched Cas’s forehead gently, trying to feel his temperature. He brought his hand up to his own forehead and tried to compare, but it didn’t feel too different. Which was a good sign, obviously.

“Dean…” Cas rasped and looked up at him. He was squinting, maybe blinded by the light or perhaps still a bit tired from being woken up by Dean. “Dean… something is wrong…”

“No shit…” Dean mumbled and pulled his hand back. “Thirsty? I brought some water and a snack.”

Cas nodded and leaned up, taking the water bottle from the nightstand and downing it in one go.

“Easy there, tiger.” The bottle was handed back to him in exchange for the granola bar. While Cas unwrapped it and started to eat, Dean leaned back and watched him. “So, do you know what’s wrong with you?”

Cas sighed and sat up more, leaning back against the wall. “It’s Jimmy. He’s getting stronger and sometimes gains consciousness. Everyday he takes over for a bit longer…”

Dean nodded slowly. “So, you’re saying you’re half-half now? Is something causing it or is it just Jimmy being strong enough to suppress you at times?”

“I don’t really know. I think there is no external influence, it has to be just Jimmy.” Cas sighed and ran a hand through his hair, making the black curly mess even more unruly like that. “But Dean… he’s unhappy… I can hear his thoughts, I can see his memories, I can feel his emotions and he’s so… so desperate and sad.”

Now _that_ was a new development. Dean had known that the Cas he was seeing wasn’t the real _Cas_. Technically, he was something that only a few people could see or hear, and Jimmy was one of them. To him it was difficult to believe that behind Cas’ face – the façade he had gotten used to seeing so much over the past few years – was an entirely different human being. Someone that gave Cas his body and his looks but in the end wasn’t Cas at all.

“I cannot reassure him that everything is alright, anymore.” Cas pulled his legs close and looked at Dean. “He wants me out, Dean. I can hear him think it, every day. And maybe… maybe I should listen to him and leave. I can’t possess him if he doesn’t want me to. And he can cast me out eventually.”

“But there has to be another solution.” Dean fidgeted a bit with the plastic bottle in his hands. “Like… something we can do to help Jimmy… and _you_.” He wasn’t ready to lose Cas, not like that, not so soon.

“And what, Dean?” Cas sounded slightly irritated, his voice pitched higher than before. “As far as I can tell, leaving Jimmy’s body and taking possession of another human being is my only option if I want to stay on earth.”

“And you…” Dean lowered his gaze for a second before looking back up at the angel. “You want to stay here? On earth?”

“Yes. Yes, I want to stay here.” Cas sighed and fumbled with his sleeves. “If you still want me here.”

Dean frowned. Why would Cas think that he wasn’t welcome in the bunker? Next to Sam, Cas was the last person he wanted to leave. He was like family, more than that even. At that point he was so dear to Dean’s heart that he couldn’t imagine a situation – or life even – without his angel. And yes, Dean was starting to consider Cas as _his_ angel. Not because he wanted to be possessive or anything. He just liked the thought of sharing something more than just friendship, something special, with him. Cas had been right all along. There was more between them, it was a more profound bond than the one the angel shared with Sam. At least Dean wanted to believe that.

“Why wouldn’t we want you here? Cas, you’re family.” Dean insisted and ran his hand over his face, still trying to understand why Cas would think that they didn’t welcome his presence in the bunker.

“Without my powers, what am I to you? I am _useless_ , Dean.”

“I said you’re family. And family isn’t just about being useful. It’s about being there for each other when they need you.”

“You said I am more than family to you…” Cas exclaimed and eyed Dean almost sceptically.

Dean huffed. “I said that, yeah. Damn, Cas, I love you. I guess I’ve loved you for a damn long time now and I still don’t know how to _actually_ talk to you and ask you out.”

“Yes.”

_Yes_? What in the world was that supposed to mean? Dean admitted his feelings and all Cas could think of to come up with was _yes_? That didn’t even make sense. Not to him, at least. Maybe it was some sort of secret angel code or language but then, why would Cas use that in a context like that?

“Yes, I’d love to go on a date with you.” Cas glanced at him. The tension was almost unbearable and Dean felt the need to say something, to break the silence or just urge Cas to talk some more.

_Wait_ … had Cas just said that he was willing to go on a date with him?!

“Did you…. Did you just agree to go on a date with me?” He snapped around, gaping at Cas with his mouth hanging open. He probably looked like an idiot but that wasn’t important when Cas was sitting right there in front of him and finally – _finally_ – opened up to him.

“Yes, I… I think so.” A faint smile spread across the angel’s face and he scooted closer to Dean on the bed. He was beautiful when he smiled, his eyes lighting up slightly and small crinkles forming at the corners of his eyes. It was cute, adorable even.

Giddy with joy – completely forgetting the reason why he had actually come to talk to Cas – he reached out to carefully grab the angel’s hand, glancing up at him to make sure he wasn’t overstepping any unspoken boundaries. All of a sudden, the tension around them had changed to a more enjoyable atmosphere, allowing Dean to let out a breath and relax his posture. Cas’ weird behaviour had nothing to do with the situation in the kitchen a few days ago, it wasn’t Dean’s fault, there was nothing – absolutely _nothing_ – he had to worry about. Well, besides the still apparent problem that they somehow had to fix Cas’s ‘back-to-Jimmy-glitches’. Considering it ‘glitches’ maybe seemed a bit tough and mean, but Dean didn’t know how else to describe it. ‘Glitches’ had to do the job for now.

“Dean?”

“Yes?”

“I think I like you.”

Dean smiled and gently squeezed the delicate hand in his. “I like you too, Cas. A lot.”


	4. Chapter 4

Dealing with Cas’s so-called ‘glitches’ was harder than Dean had previously assumed. It had all played out so well in his mind, but the reality was far from easy. They never knew who came out of Cas’s bedroom, the angel or Jimmy. So Dean had developed a habit of watching him closely until he was able to determine which behaviour was Jimmy’s and which was Cas’s. Yes, for him it got easier every day. After some mix-ups he could finally tell them apart. He would chat with Jimmy over breakfast, have lunch with Cas, watch a movie with Jimmy and lie in bed together with the angel until they fell asleep and he woke up again next to Jimmy. But for them – Cas and Jimmy – every hour stuck in one and the same body together made everything worse. Jimmy seemed to suffer more than Cas and Dean knew he wanted his life and body back more than anything else. Unfortunately for him, that wasn’t an option. At least not at the moment. Dean had spent hours and hours with Sam and Cas in the library, scanning book after book for spells or clues on how to separate Cas and Jimmy without necessarily changing his vessel. But so far, they hadn’t found anything that could help them or point them in the right direction. And some of the spells were simply too cruel or would leave Jimmy a gibbering mess after Cas left his body.

Much to Dean’s dismay, finding a solution and a way to separate Cas and Jimmy without possessing a new vessel had more or less prevented them from dating each other. They spent more time together, yes, and Dean was getting to know Jimmy a lot better, but real dates? Going out for dinner or a movie? Nothing. Of course, Dean wanted to find a solution as well. Seeing the angel and Jimmy suffer was the last thing he wanted to witness, though sometimes he wished they could spend at least some time doing something else instead of endless research that ended in nothing anyways. They had even seriously considered asking Crowley for help and they probably would have done that if Cas hadn’t reminded them that every deal usually came with a price. And perhaps in that case a deal with the king of hell wasn’t the smartest thing to do.

Dean was sitting next to Sam at the table in the library, bent over several books like a few days prior, when Cas burst into the room.

“Dean?” Cas surrounded the table until he was standing directly across from Dean, bracing himself on the chair in front of him. Dean looked up from the book and sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose. Frankly, he was glad that Cas was there, a distraction from all the research was definitely what he needed at that moment.

“Yeah? What’s up?” He put the book down and looked up at the dark-haired man in front of him. Those illegally blue eyes were staring right back at him and Dean shifted because honestly, every time Cas gazed at him like that it felt as if he was staring right into his soul. Thinking about that, Dean wasn’t sure if he wanted to know what Cas was seeing and perceiving as probably the last crumpled remnants of his human soul. _Pathetic_.

“Do you want to grab lunch?” Cas let his gaze drop to the chair in front of him. He was nervous, Dean realized. _He is nervous because he is asking you out, you Idiot_. He chided himself and straightened up a bit.

“I, uh… yeah, ‘course. Sounds good. Lemme just grab my jacket.” He scrambled to get up and scurried to his room, grabbing his jacket and Baby’s keys. In his opinion the next diner or fast food chain was too far away for walking, so they would have to drive. He hurried back to the library and held the keys up. “Kay, I’m ready. Sammy, we’ll bring you some rabbit food.”

“Don’t get him too accustomed to your eating habits,” was the only response he got from his brother. He shrugged and looked at Cas.

“At least I’m not eating grass,” he muttered and walked up the stairs. The light steps behind him told him that Cas was following close behind.

“Maybe Sam is right, Dean. Your eating habits are quite bad, I suppose. You consume a lot of unnecessary sugar and fats.” Cas mentioned when they reached the car and he opened the door to the passenger’s side. “And alcohol.” He added. “Now, I’m not yet accustomed to the amount of alcoholic beverages a human can take in but –“

Dean interrupted him. “Cas, we’re having a moment here. Don’t ruin it,” he warned and started the car. Their first official date was supposed to be special, and not Cas scolding him for his choice of beverages and nutrition. No, that was definitely not something he wanted to talk about right now.

“Oh…” Cas looked dumbfounded for a moment and stared at his hand. “I didn’t know we were… uh… having a moment…”

“It’s okay.” He steered Baby down the drive-way to the road. “So where do you want to go?”

“I don’t know yet. Pizza would be nice, maybe.”

Dean had to smile at that. Hearing that suggestion coming from Cas inevitably made him think of the probably first porno the angel had accidentally watched when both Sam and Dean had been in the same room. Good memories.

“Why not. Sounds good to me.” He pulled the car onto the road and headed towards the next city. There was just one option for pizza, so he knew exactly where to go.

“You know what? Why don’t you choose the music today?”

Hearing that suggestion apparently came as a shock to Cas, judging by the way his head snapped upwards and he stared at Dean like a deer caught in the headlights. For a moment Cas was so still that Dean thought he had maybe frozen in confusion or amazement – or whatever – but then the angel seemed to pull himself together again.

“Really?” Cas’ gaze dropped down to the radio, then back up at Dean. Maybe to assure himself that Dean was really okay with it. If Sam had been the one to sit next to him he would never have allowed him to pick the music. No, that was the driver’s choice. But Cas was something different. Dean wanted to show him that he was serious, that he had meant it when he had said that he liked him, a lot.

“I’m not kidding. You choose.” Dean nodded but kept his eyes on the road after that. Cas knew how to operate the radio, he didn’t have to help him with that. A few seconds later the soft clicking of the radio being turned on and the static sound of Cas changing the channels flooded the car. It took him several minutes to pick one of the various channels with all kinds of different music, but eventually he chose one that played old country songs and Dean found that he could tolerate that more than probably anything else. It was far better than the music Sam tended to turn on when he had the opportunity.

“Is that okay?” Cas’ voice sounded soft and gentle and Dean could feel his eyes on him.

“I let you choose. Of course, it’s okay.” He kept driving but couldn’t hold back the small smile that was forming on his lips. They drove on in silence. It wasn’t an uneasy and uncomfortable silence, though. Dean felt relaxed and very much enjoyed just sitting next to Cas in his car, driving to a restaurant in the next city. And if he didn’t imagine things, he could swear that he heard Cas hum quietly along to the song that was currently playing.

“Drive through or do you prefer to go inside?” Dean asked when the parking lot of the pizza place came into view. Secretly, he hoped that Cas would want to go into the restaurant and not choose the drive through option. It was their first opportunity to eat together without being interrupted by Sam or simultaneously doing research.

“I would really like to go inside if that’s okay.”

_Goal_! Dean cheered in his thoughts and bit his lip to stop himself from actually speaking out loud what he felt.

“All right.” He maneuvered Baby into one of the free parking spots and turned off the engine. “Let’s go then.” Quickly, he opened his door and got out of the car. When his belly growled at the sight of the restaurant, he realized just how hungry he actually was. He had been so immersed in trying to find a way to help Cas and Jimmy that he had completely forgotten to eat something. No wonder he was feeling tired and cranky.

He heard the sound of the passenger’s door being closed and turned around to look at Cas – and give him a quick once-over that he hopefully hadn’t noticed. Cas wasn’t wearing his typical suit and trenchcoat combination. Instead he had gone for a worn-out ACDC t-shirt with a flannel on top and dark jeans that hugged his legs almost perfectly. Damn, why did Dean always have to notice stuff like that? He wasn’t exactly eager to sport a boner in public just because Cas had decided to wear a flannel and tight pants. Even though Dean had to admit that he was missing the trenchcoat a little bit. He had gotten so used to it that during the past week he had caught himself imagining Cas wearing it over the flannel combo. Maybe he could ask him to do that once, he was sure it’d look awesome on him.

Dean held the door of the restaurant open for Cas and stepped inside behind him. It was warm and noisy, several families and guys wearing suits – probably grabbing something to eat on their lunch break – were sitting at the tables scattered around the room, all deeply absorbed in conversations or hunched over laptops and smartphones. Sometimes Dean was glad to live a life as a hunter. He doubted that the stressful timetable of an office worker would have suited him well. Plus, he probably would have never gotten to know Cas.

“Let’s sit here?”

Dean jumped slightly. He had been so lost in his own thoughts that he hadn’t noticed they were standing in front of a table which was situated directly by the window. Actually, it didn’t surprise him at all that Cas had chosen that specific place. He chuckled lightly and ran his hand through his hair.

“Yeah.” He shifted around and sat on the chair that was facing the parking lot. He could keep an eye on Baby like that, which was automatically a plus point.

Cas sat at the opposite side of the table and took the menu. For the first time, Dean noticed how delicate his fingers were. They weren’t small or thin but something about them just made them appear graceful.

“I’d offer to share a pizza with you, but I’m quite hungry.” He managed to tear his eyes away from Cas’ hands and fidgeted with the menu. He knew what he wanted to order, he didn’t have to scan the entire card again.

“I understand. Maybe I can ask the waitress to box the rest of my food in case I don’t manage to eat it all.” Cas lowered the menu and looked at Dean. “But I’m feeling itchy. Jimmy will surface soon. He tends to have a better appetite than I do.”

Dean nodded slowly, but before he was able to continue their conversation, the waitress appeared at their table to take their orders. Without having to think about it, he quickly rattled off his order, handed the menu to the young woman and then watched Cas do the same.

“Do you like Jimmy?” Cas asked once the waitress was heading towards the kitchen.

Dean furrowed his brows in confusion. “What? Of course, I do. He’s kind of a part of you now.”

“It’s just because…” Cas fidgeted around and then pulled lightly on the sleeves of his flannel. “If we find a way, and if Jimmy and I have separate bodies… what will happen to Jimmy? He asked me if he can stay. But I couldn’t answer that question, that decision is not up to me, it’s up to you and Sam.”

Dean’s frown deepened. “I don’t think it’s a problem if he stays with us.” Only the thought of letting Jimmy move out, all on his own, without money, without a home and in danger of being hunted by demons and angels alike, made him cringe. No, he was definitely safer with them in the bunker.

“I think he likes you, Dean.”

“I mean, I’m awesome, so I kinda get that.” Dean’s smirk turned into a grin when he saw Cas roll his eyes in feigned annoyance.

“That’s not what I’m talking about.”

“Well, you’re the one who can hear his thoughts and stuff.” He shrugged and thanked the waitress when she placed their food in front of them. “So you tell me what you’re talking about.” Without hesitation he picked up the first slice of his pizza and took a huge bite. It was delicious. He savoured the taste for a moment before he shot Cas a challenging glance, waiting for him to elaborate.

“He’s developing feelings. Strong feelings.” Cas picked at his pizza. “He loves you, Dean.”

Dean almost choked on the mouthful on pizza he was currently trying to swallow. “He does _what_?”

“He loves you.”

Well… that was a problem.


	5. Chapter 5

Neither of them said a word on their way back to the bunker. A plastic box with salad was sitting on Cas’ lap, but no one paid attention to it, nor the fact that the salad dressing had spilled over and left a nasty stain on the angels’ jeans. Somewhere on the way Cas’s hand had slowly inched closer towards Dean’s until their fingers were just slightly brushing each other. Dean hadn’t been able to stop himself from smiling at that and had gently intertwined their fingers. They had literally confessed their feelings for each other. He thought they were entitled to hold hands at that point.

If Jimmy was really in love with him, separating him and Cas would immediately get more difficult. Not the separating process itself, but the situation afterwards. Dean didn’t even know how he felt about him. Sure, he looked like Cas and all in all he was a nice and cool guy. But he hadn’t known him long enough to know if there was more than friendship and still, the one he knew for sure he loved, was Cas, not Jimmy.

“Give him a chance.”

Apparently, Cas still had the ability to read minds, or he was just incredibly talented at guessing peoples’ thoughts. Anyways, hearing such a statement from Cas didn’t make the situation less confusing. Why did Cas want him to give Jimmy a chance? If Cas liked Dean just as much as Dean liked him – Was he feeling sorry for him? Or did he want to include Jimmy as a third wheel?

“What do you mean? I love _you_ , Cas.” He tapped the steering wheel and stared at the road ahead of them. Just a few miles more and they would be back at the bunker.

“I know…” Cas sighed quietly and out of the corner of his eye Dean saw him lean his head back against the headrest. “Jimmy and I, we spent a lot of time talking about… things. I didn’t know that he could hear my thoughts as well. But Dean, we can communicate. It’s astonishing.”

“You communicate?” Dean pulled onto the drive-way to the bunker and glanced at Cas, unsure if he should be amazed or spooked. “Like… you talk? Are you talking to him right now?”

“Yes.” Cas nodded and fumbled with the salad box on his lap. “But it’s okay. I enjoy his company, he is funny, and thoughtful.”

“And?” Dean felt itchy. There was something else Cas wanted to tell him, he could literally feel it. “That’s not all, right?” He side-eyed Cas to see if he could spot anything that gave him away, a nervous habit, or some hidden meaning in his eyes. Cas wasn’t looking at him, though. He preferred to inspect his nails.

“You’re right. There is something else I want to talk about with you.” He tilted his head slightly as if he was thinking of how to go on and ask his question. “You see, Jimmy and I, we grew very close over the last few days. We think that it’s something special, something similar to the bond I share with you, Dean.”

Oh no. Dean had no clue where this was going but somehow his guts told him that it either wasn’t good, or too good to be true. He parked the car in the garage, turned off the engine and turned towards Cas. “I have no clue what you’re trying to tell me, Cas. You gotta give me more.”

“When I first met you, I didn’t notice. But now I know that I must have always loved you. That’s what I meant when I talked about our more profound bond. I share the same bond with Jimmy.” Cas kept staring at his hands. “I never noticed because I have never had the chance to get to know Jimmy more deeply.”

“Wait wait wait.” Dean interrupted him and held up a hand. “Are you trying to tell me that you fell in love with _Jimmy_?” Because that couldn’t be right, could it? He sure had just misunderstood something or Cas was trying to pull a prank on him. That had to be it. Cas loving two people at the same time? Not possible. The angel who had never expressed any sexual or romantic interest should suddenly be polyamorous? But what if he had decided that Dean wasn’t good enough for him? Maybe Jimmy was a better option for him.

_That doesn’t make sense_ , he scolded himself, almost angry that he was freaking out like this. _Why would he hold your hand like that if he didn’t like you just as much?_ He managed to calm himself down again and looked up at Cas, hoping that he wouldn’t destroy his hopes.

“Yes.” Cas nodded slowly and finally lifted his head to meet Dean’s gaze. “And Jimmy feels the same.”

“But…but _how_?” Dean was at a loss for words and just gesticulated with his free hand, trying to get his point across.

“I don’t know. It just happened.” That sounded like the worst apology for an unexpected pregnancy. “We want to be together… just not in the same body. But we also want to be together with you, Dean.”

“Okay…” Dean averted his eyes and stared at the black leather of the steering wheel, then he pulled himself together and sat up. “I guess we really have to find a way to separate the two of you then, right?” He gripped the door and swung it open, throwing his legs out first, followed by the rest of his body. Optimistic wasn’t really the word to describe his mood. Fear and adrenaline did a better job. He could just hope that Sam had already found something in one of the books that could possibly work.

“Dean, wait.” Cas was already out of the car and next to him, reaching out as if to grab Dean’s hand again. He pulled back right before his fingers brushed against Dean’s and just stood there awkwardly. “Why don’t you just let me possess another human?”

“Because – “ Dean crossed his arms in front of his chest – “We don’t just go out there possessing random humans. Have you already forgotten what happened to Jimmy and his family? Because believe me, I have not.” Immediately after he said those words, he wished he hadn’t. Cas looked as if Dean had just punched him in the guts, pained and guilty.

“No, of course I didn’t forget…”

“Look, Cas.” Dean grabbed the angel’s shoulder and squeezed it lightly to show him that it was all right, that he hadn’t done anything wrong. “I know you want to help Jimmy, we all want to. But if you just go and possess another random human, you’d just have the same problem again. And I really don’t think that’s what you want.”

Cas looked so devastated and sad, Dean wanted to pull him close and hug him, tell him that everything was going to be all right and that they would find a solution.

“Come on now, let’s go back inside. I bet Sam has already found something.” He headed towards the door. “And don’t forget the rabbit food!” He shouted before he strolled into the hallway of the bunker. It was quiet, probably because Sam was still stuck in the library and reading.

“Sammy? We’re back! We brought you some salad.” He peered into the library and smiled when he saw Sam sitting just where he had anticipated him to be. His hair was ruffled and looked like a mess and he was so absorbed in the book that was currently lying in front of him that he hadn’t even heard Dean. “Sam?”

“Woah! I…what?” Sam’s head shot up while his body jumped slightly. It was such a comical sight that Dean couldn’t hold back and burst out laughing.

“We’re back,” Cas continued for Dean and placed the plastic container in front of Sam. “And we brought you salad. And some leftover pizza, if you want it. I didn’t manage to eat it all.”

“Yeah, I… thanks, Cas.” Sam managed a small smile and ran his fingers through his hair. “Guys, I found something. And we’ve got all the ingredients here besides one of them….”

Dean sat down and pulled the book over to take a look at it. Something about Sam’s tone didn’t seem right. He sounded concerned, which wasn’t an ideal reaction considering that apparently he had just found the spell that could separate Cas and Jimmy.

“So what’s the problem?” He quickly scanned the page and then skimmed through some more pages.

“The last ingredient is the grace of an angel.” Sam sighed heavily and rubbed a hand over his face. “But it’s the only spell I found that might actually work. It’s a high risk, though. I can’t find anything on how _much_ grace we need.”

“We’re not risking Cas’s life.” Dean muttered, his jaw set tight. “If this goes wrong we’re losing both of them, we can’t risk that.”

“Don’t you think that’s Cas’s decision?” Sam replied calmly. Of course, he was calm. He was right, even Dean knew that. He just didn’t want to believe it. There had to be another way, something that didn’t put Cas at risk like that. They couldn’t even be sure that Cas would survive a spell like that. He had said himself that his grace was lower than usual, even a partial removal of it might be fatal. Dean looked up at Cas, trying to plead with him to not do it, but he didn’t know what to say. He opened his mouth and closed it again. The only thing he could do now was wait for Cas to come to a decision.

“I want to try it.”

“What?!” Dean snapped and turned to glare at Cas. “Are you insane?! Cas, you could _die_!”

“As Sam said, it’s my decision. And I want to try it.” Cas’s voice was unnaturally calm and he returned Dean’s glare, only softer and more confident. “We can just extract a small amount of my grace. It will recharge and maybe it works. But we won’t know if we don’t try, and Jimmy deserves that I at least try.” He sat down next to Sam, the dim light of the lamp on the table casting a soft shadow on his face, highlighting his cheekbones and perfectly straight nose. “So, what are the other ingredients?”

“The other ingredients, yeah…” Sam shifted around the notes and opened books on the table until he found a sheet of paper. Dean could vaguely see his smooth handwriting.

“So, I needed some time to figure out what the words exactly mean, but according to this we need Cas’ grace, something that represents the human-“

“His ID!” Cas chimed in, obviously excited now. “We can use his ID.”

Dean crossed his arms in front of his chest. Obviously, his opinion didn’t matter here. So he did what he decided was best to show his displeasure: he pouted and ignored them.

“Good idea.” Sam agreed and scribbled it down on the sheet of paper. “The next thing is your blood, Cas, and something that is dear to you.”

It was quiet and Dean dared to glance at Cas for a tiny little second. He was squinting and his head was tilted to the side, he was thinking.

“Your trenchcoat.” He hadn’t wanted to say something, but somehow he wanted to help Cas. And if trying the spell was what Cas wanted, then so be it. That didn’t change anything about the fact that Dean still didn’t feel good about the idea, though.

Cas simply nodded and got up again. “I’ll get it.” He shuffled around a bit before leaving the library to head to his room. The moment Dean heard the door close he turned around to glare at Sam.

“ _Why_ are you on board with this?! He could _die_ , Sam.” He pointed to the hallway just for emphasis.

“I know. But it’s his decision. And I think he has the right to know that there is a way to fix this,” Sam said and played around with his ballpoint pen, “This could go terribly wrong, I know. But if there is even the slightest possibility that we can help Cas _and_ Jimmy, we should go for it.”

Dean huffed and turned away. He couldn’t say anything against that, and he knew he wasn’t going to stop Cas from trying to be happier, and probably healthier again.

“Here’s my trenchcoat.” Cas rushed back into the room, clutching the beige item in his hands. “I brought Jimmy’s ID as well. What else do you need?”

It had been days – almost two weeks now, if Dean had calculated the time right – since he had seen Cas that enthusiastic about something. If it weren’t for the circumstances, he’d be delighted and happy about the change in demeanour.

“Well… besides your blood and grace that’s it.” Sam glanced at Dean for a second – probably hoping that Dean wouldn’t see it, but he did – before his gaze landed on the angel. “Do you know how to extract your grace?”

“Yes. I can’t do it alone, though, it is going to be very unpleasant.” Cas sighed and put his trenchcoat on the desk, fumbling a bit with it before stepping back again

“Okay, that’s it, I’m out.” Dean pushed the chair back and stood up, raising his hands in defeat. “I’m not gonna extract anything.” That said, he turned away from his brother and best friend/maybe something more after their talk and their first ‘date’, and left the room, his feet automatically carrying him to the kitchen. Might as well eat something; Sam and Cas were probably better off without him anyways. He rummaged through the cupboards and the fridge until he found some pie that he had bought maybe two days ago. It should be good, nonetheless he gave it a sniff after opening it, just to make sure. It wasn’t too delicious anymore, but he needed something that wasn’t whiskey or booze to get rid of the tension that was building up inside. When should he go and check on Cas? He wasn’t even sure if he wanted to watch them perform the spell; on the other hand, if this was his last opportunity to see Cas, he wanted to take it. When the blood and grace things were done, then he could come back. Maybe Sam or Cas would even come and get him, maybe Cas wanted him to be there when they used the spell.


	6. Chapter 6

Dean paced around the kitchen. It had been over an hour, the pie was long eaten and he was currently downing his third bottle of beer. It was awfully quiet in the bunker; every step he made sounded too loud compared to the silence that was surrounding him. Still, something was preventing him from simply going to the library to see how far Cas and Sam had gotten. Or was it already done? And no one had considered telling him? No, he’d be the first person Cas would go to after something big like that, and Dean doubted that Sam would work with a spell like that alone.

He left the empty bottle on the counter and headed towards the library. “Sam? Cas?” There was no answer, but he heard hushed voices and shuffling. Could be good or a bad sign. He opened the door and stepped into the room, looking around cautiously until he saw Cas and Sam, sitting just where he had left them. The only difference was that Cas appeared paler and weaker, his form bent over slightly.

“What happened?” More than just a little bit worried, Dean hurried to Cas and grabbed his arm, trying to get him to look at him. “Cas? Are you okay?”

A barely audible groan was the only answer he got and Dean turned around to face Sam. “What the hell is wrong with him?!” He gestured towards the obviously exhausted and worn out angel.

Sam didn’t answer immediately, instead he held up a small glass that contained something swirly and blue. Grace, Dean noticed. That had to be Cas’s grace. “Did it work?”

“Yes,” Sam nodded and offered a small smile, “We’ve got everything now, besides the blood. It probably needs to be fresh.” He was holding the trenchcoat and Jimmy’s ID. “We should do the spell in the dungeon, just to be sure.”

They helped Cas up and let him use them as support until they reached the dungeon, almost dragging him along on their way. Pushing the door open, they dropped him on a chair – carefully, of course – and started to prepare the spell. Sam was drawing circles and sigils on the floor, and Dean, who had no clue what to do because he had opted out of listening to his brother by hiding in the kitchen, was pacing the floor. He was nervous, more than that even, but he didn’t know how to describe the feeling. His body was shivering, he was hot and cold at the same time and he felt so queasy that pacing seemed to be the only thing keeping him grounded **.**

“Are you sure you want to do this?” He stopped his pointless walking when he stood in front of Cas and observed the still very pale and still very thin and tired looking angel.

“I’m sure,” Cas answered and raised his chin to meet Deans’ eyes, “To be more precise, I am _convinced_.” Something in Cas’ bright blue eyes kept Dean from protesting or trying to convince him otherwise. Maybe it was the determination he saw there, or the fearlessness of a one-billion-year-old warrior. Dean didn’t know, but he didn’t answer, silently watching Sam work on the preparations for the spell instead. Unanswered questions raced through his mind, making him think of the worst possible outcomes of their plan.

Sam placed the items – the trenchcoat, Cas’s grace and Jimmy’s ID – on and next to the sigils, in an order that Dean couldn’t possibly understand, and he didn’t try to. Next to him, Cas shifted and got up, dragging the chair to the middle of the circle made out of sigils. His movements were confident enough to tell Dean that he knew exactly what he was doing. What Cas couldn’t hide from Dean was the way his fingers trembled when he took a knife from Sam and cut the palm of his hand, letting the blood dribble down into one of the old brass bowls they had brought from the kitchen.

Dean was barely able to keep himself from asking yet another time if the angel was a hundred percent sure that he wanted to try the spell. He stepped back until he could feel the wall at his back and was forced to stop, to stand and watch while his brother and boyfriend performed the spell. He looked down at the floor, debating whether or not he wanted to see the process. For all he knew, it could go horribly wrong. And what about the consequences? So far, his experience had taught him that nothing, absolutely _nothing_ , was for free. Everything came with a price.

He shifted around, listening to Sam uttering barely comprehensible words. It sounded like a poem or a song in an ancient language that was long forgotten. When he finally dared to look up again, he met Cas’s gaze right before everything was engulfed by blinding light. No, describing it like that wasn’t right. It was _Cas_ who started glowing so much that Dean had to shield his eyes.

After a few minutes Dean slowly lowered his hand, blinking several times against the darkness that surrounded them. He couldn’t see anything, not even silhouettes.

“Cas?” He asked into the silence, feeling around for the wall. “Sammy?”

There was no answer, and Dean started to sweat. _Damn_. He knew that goddamn spell would backfire.

“Cas,” he tried again, “Cas? Damn it, _say_ something!”

_Flashlight._ Dean’s brain offered helpfully, and he started feeling his pants and shirt for his phone. Had he left it in the library? His room?

Something moved. Dean tensed and straightened up, ready to jump whatever was in the dungeon with them, with _him_. Someone was walking, the footsteps receding into the distance and Dean noticed that they were heading towards the door.

“Sammy?” His voice was hoarse and barely more than a whisper. “C’mon, that’s not funny.”

Dean jumped when the light flickered back on, shielding his eyes once more but that time he got used to the brightness faster than before. Instinctively, he jerked his head towards the door and felt a surge of relief when he saw Sam standing close to the wall, his hand hovering over the light switch. He was unharmed, at least as far as Dean could tell. Sam’s eyebrows were furrowed in concern and he vaguely nodded towards the middle of the room.

Dean jolted around, suddenly remembering why they had gone to the dungeon in the first place. “Cas?”

There he was, sitting on the chair as if nothing had happened. His hands were folded in his lap, his head hanging low. Dean couldn’t see his face and quickly crossed the room to grab Cas’s shoulders and see for himself if he was all right. He was already reaching out when movement at the edge of his vision caught his attention and made him stop dead in his tracks.

_Jimmy_. It had to be him. Who else would be with them if it wasn’t Jimmy?

Dean straightened up and took a step back, lowering his gaze until he was staring right at the man who looked just like Cas. The trenchcoat that had been laying in one of the circles was now wrapped tightly around the man’s shoulders, covering the most intimate parts of his otherwise naked body. Defensive blue eyes glared right back at him and Dean swore that if he looked at them long enough he’d be able to spot a slight difference between Jimmy’s eyes, and Cas’s.

“Jimmy?” Dean crouched down in front of him, excitement buzzing through his veins. “Are you alright?”

Slowly, Jimmy nodded and sat up, stretching out his arms and legs. It had to be a weird feeling, to be back in his own body, to _control_ his own body again.

Dean watched him for a moment longer and then turned his head to look at Castiel. “Cas? You okay, man?” The angel was still hunched over, but his head was slightly raised and he was scrutinizing Dean’s face, as if he was trying to read his mind – or maybe he was, Dean couldn’t tell. Staring at Cas like he was an alien certainly didn’t make the awkward situation any better.

“Yes, I think so.” Cas averted his gaze and scanned the room. “I think we are good, the spell didn’t do anything to my grace. Did it harm you or Sam?”

“No, we’re okay.” Sam was already at Jimmy’s side and helped him stand up. “Are you feeling okay?”

“I just asked him that!” Dean interjected, even though he knew that Sam was right to ask because Jimmy looked everything but okay, his legs trembling and probably barely keeping him upright.

“It’s just…. It still feels weird, being me again…,” Jimmy mumbled, holding onto Sam for support, “And I’m really tired.”

“I think it’s best if you two go and rest a bit, you shouldn’t be walking around too much now.” Sam looked up at Dean, searching for approval in his brothers’ eyes. “I’ll bring Jimmy to one of the guestrooms.”

“Wait!” Jimmy exclaimed hastily, one hand buried in Sam’s shirt, the other hand clutching the trenchcoat tightly. “Can’t I stay with Cas…?”

He looked so desperate and small while asking for something so simple that Dean immediately had the overwhelming urge to protect him. Dean looked up at Cas and their eyes locked together for an instant, the angel’s eyes so incredibly blue that Dean was sure he was seeing flashes of Cas’s grace in them as well. Up until that moment Dean hadn’t realized how strong the bond between Jimmy and Cas was, although the angel had told him about it.

Cas was the first one to break eye contact. “I don’t see why that should be a problem, the bed in my room certainly is big enough.” He offered a small smile which made Dean feel slightly light-headed. He didn’t know if the feeling was caused by the angst and stress he had just endured or if he was just so head over heels in love with the angel that he could neither control his feelings nor his facial expressions. He was pretty sure he looked like an absolute idiot at that moment, only standing there and staring at Cas, his mouth hanging somewhat open.

Dean merely snapped out of his trance when Jimmy made a sound akin to an amused snort.

“What’s so funny?”

“Nothing. You’re simply not very inscrutable.” A small smirk lifted the corners of Jimmy’s mouth.

Dean blushed and there was nothing he could do about that, so he turned away, trying to hide his flushed face like that. “Whatever. You should really go and rest, get some sleep too. Both of you.”

When he rushed out of the room, he heard someone snicker – probably Jimmy – but he decided not to look back. Instead, he made his way to his room, hoping that he could somehow blow the cobwebs away. Perhaps it wasn’t the wisest decision to leave Jimmy and Cas alone right after they had cast a spell on them and didn’t even know for sure if there weren’t any consequences. But everything had happened so fast, and Dean simply felt terribly confused and overwhelmed. Plus, he didn’t feel comfortable talking about their relationship in front of Sam. Which, of course, wasn’t his biggest concern; he was still worried that the spell might backfire and hurt either Cas or Jimmy. The thought of how their relationship was supposed to develop, though, now that Jimmy and Cas were two different individuals in two different bodies, wouldn’t leave his mind, and it made him groan out loud in frustration. Why hadn’t he thought of that problem earlier? Well, he _had_ thought about it, but he hadn’t considered that they actually had to _talk_ about it.

Dean let the door fall closed behind him and paced restlessly up and down. He had known that that situation would come, but he had refused to think about it earlier and now he regretted his decision.

With a heavy sigh he sat down on his bed and rubbed his face. What was he supposed to do? He loved Cas, but over the last couple of days he had felt attracted to Jimmy more and more. Cas probably didn’t mind, but _he_ did. He had read about stuff like threesomes and polyamory, and it didn’t surprise him that Cas didn’t seem to be bothered by a relationship that wasn’t monogamous. To him, on the other hand, coming out of the closet had already been hard enough, so the concept of having more than one partner kind of blew his mind.

A knock on the door jolted Dean out of his thoughts. “Yes?”

Sam poked his head in through a small crack and looked at Dean, observing him. Briefly, Dean wondered if his brother knew about his dilemma, which he probably did considering the carefully calculated glance he was giving him. But apparently, and luckily for Dean, he decided not to push.

“I checked Cas and Jimmy for any injuries, but they’re fine. They’re both asleep now.” Sam offered a small smile. “You should get some rest, too. It’s been a long day.”

“Yeah, you’re right…” Dean nodded slowly and lowered his gaze, staring at his hands.

“Good night, Dean.”

He heard the door close and sighed quietly.

“Good night, Sammy,” he mumbled into the silence.


	7. Chapter 7

Dean hadn’t been able to sleep at all. He had tossed and squirmed around in his bed until it had all gotten too much and he had quietly left to get a midnight snack in the kitchen.

He was just grabbing a bag of chips when he heard quiet laughter. Freezing in place, he listened; someone was in the library; and, judging by the sound of it, it had to be Jimmy and Cas. Why were they up?

Now curious, Dean abandoned the bag of chips on the counter and walked the short distance to the library. The door wasn’t closed, it was opened just a crack, and Dean used it to peer into the room.

A lamp illuminated the bookshelves and chairs in soft light and cast long shadows on the floor. Dean couldn’t see a lot, but he was just able to make out someone sitting on one of the chairs, his back to the door. His familiar dark hair was tousled; and when Dean took a closer look, he noticed that Cas wasn’t alone. But all he could see from his position were two pale arms which were wrapped around Cas’s shoulders, long, slender fingers playing with the soft hair on Cas’s neck.

Carefully, Dean pushed open the door and tiptoed into the room, trying to get a better view of what was happening on that damn chair. But, as expected, his sneaking skills weren’t the best around the angel and sharp blue eyes stared at him before he had even completely stepped out of the doorframe.

“Uh…hey… I was in the kitchen and heard you, I wasn’t eavesdropping or anything.”

_Neat, Dean, very neat._ He cursed under his breath and offered a lopsided smile.

“Hello, Dean.” Jimmy rested his chin on Cas’s head and studied him. “Why don’t you join us?”

Dean almost sputtered. _Excuse me what?!_ Had Jimmy really invited him to join their quite obvious make-out-session?

Jimmy snorted. “Come on, you know that Cas and I like each other. He told you.” He made no attempt to leave Cas’s lap, instead he leaned down and kissed the angel. Dean didn’t need to stand directly next to them to know that it wasn’t just a simple kiss on the lips. The sounds Cas made were enough to make Dean blush, and dear Lord, he could only imagine what Jimmy’s hips were doing at that exact moment.

“Uhm… yeah,” he hemmed and hawed and fiddled with the sleeves of his shirt, suddenly very nervous. “Maybe you should relocate to the bedroom? Just sayin’, you know, someone could come in.”

Apparently, Jimmy and Cas decided to simply ignore Dean’s objection and deepened the kiss, both of them melting into each other’s arms. Dean shifted and, because he was feeling a little left out, slowly approached the couple. He strolled over to the table and leaned against it, unsure of what to do. It was as if one of his most private fantasies – a very naughty fantasy – had come true. But even though the scene in front of him was fairly hot to watch, Dean couldn’t do more than stare, feeling helpless and overwhelmed by the up-coming opportunity to join in and partake in the probably hottest sex he’d ever experience.

He was staring at Cas’s and Jimmy’s lips when the latter parted slowly and turned his head to smile at Dean.

“Maybe we should head to Dean’s room,” he suggested and stood up. “His bed is bigger,” he added with a smile and took Cas’s hand to help him to his feet.

“You comin’?” Jimmy added with a wink before he turned around and pulled Cas out of the library, heading towards Dean’s bedroom.

Dean blinked a few times, surprised by how open-minded and extroverted Jimmy was. To say he hadn’t expected that kind of reaction from the man he had once thought of as being highly devoted and believing, was more than just an understatement. Still baffled, he followed Cas and Jimmy and made his way to his room, trying not to get too nervous about what was very likely going to happen.

The sight that greeted him made him shiver involuntarily, blood shooting straight to his groin. _Great_.

Cas was stripped almost completely naked, only wearing his boxers and socks, and Jimmy was straddling his lap and somehow he had managed to strip down in the few seconds that Dean had needed to walk to his bedroom.

And _damn_.

Dean let his eyes roam over Jimmy’s shoulders down to his slender waist, before he dropped his gaze to Cas’s muscular legs and up again to marvel over the beauty that was Jimmy’s ass. Well, yeah, maybe he wasn’t that straight after all. But honestly, he had known that since they had summoned Cas in that damn barn, he had simply been too uptight to admit it to himself and everyone else, especially the angel.

He watched as Cas’s hands gripped Jimmy’s hips tight, possibly tight enough to leave bruises, and ground his hips up against the man on top of him. They both let out obscene moans and Dean knew he was flushing deeply. Jimmy’s hips moved down to meet Cas’s upward-thrusts and _damn_ , Dean couldn’t stop looking. It was the hottest thing he had ever witnessed.

Slowly, Dean approached the couple on the bed, losing layer after layer of clothing as he was approaching them. He licked his lips, the mattress dipping under his weight when he sat down, still not being able to tear his eyes away from the nearly identical men in front of him.

Cas leaned up and braced himself on one elbow, using his other hand to grip Jimmy’s neck. Then they were kissing again, and Dean couldn’t stand watching anymore. He had to do something, had to get his hands on Cas or Jimmy, or on both of them, as long as he could finally touch them.

Jimmy parted and mumbled against Cas’s lips, “I think Dean feels a little left out.”

Cas chuckled in response. “Does he?” He sat up. Wrapping his arms around Jimmy’s waist and nuzzling along his neck. Jimmy let his head fall back, exposing his throat and Dean could see the wet trail that Cas left on the tender skin. Everything within him longed to surge forward and leave marks on that slender neck, then he got distracted by the way the muscles in Cas’s shoulders moved and he instantly felt himself grow even harder.

“Cas.” Dean growled, trying to control himself, to hold back and keep watching. Frankly, he didn’t even know why he was punishing himself like that. He could simply join in and have Jimmy and Cas sandwich him or trap Jimmy between himself and the angel. There were hundreds of possible options and especially positions that crossed his mind and he’d be damned if he didn’t at least try one of them.

Delicate fingers wrapped around Dean’s wrist, tugging him closer. “Come here.” And he obeyed, letting Cas pull him down onto the mattress because even though he knew what to do, he still enjoyed being led by the angel. The first touch of skin against skin sent shivers down his spine and made him prickle with excitement.

God, yes, he wanted this. He _craved_ this.

Dean embraced the feeling of Cas maneuvering him around until they were all tangled up together, and two sets of lips were mouthing along his neck, four hands exploring his body, sliding over the sensitive skin between his hips and crotch. It was incredible. There was no rush, as if they had forever to simply lie in bed and explore each other’s bodies, and Dean was tempted to just do that. But then something hot and wet wrapped around his erection and _fuck_ , he had been so distracted by all the new sensations that he hadn’t noticed Jimmy sliding down to position himself between his legs, his hands resting on Dean’s hips for support. He allowed himself to bury his fingers in Jimmy’s hair, noticing how neatly combed it was compared to Cas’s.

A second later Jimmy’s blue eyes were looking up at him, then he hollowed his cheeks and Dean would’ve sworn that he’d come right on the spot if it weren’t for his desire to draw this out as long as possible. He had been so scared to lose the two persons who had gotten closer to him than probably anyone else before. And now they were in Dean’s bed, sprawled out naked and doing things he had never dared to imagine. Well, maybe that wasn’t exactly true. He certainly had imagined doing naughty and kinky stuff with and to Cas, he just hadn’t expected a third person; a person he somehow liked, _loved_ , as well.

“Shh, Dean, relax,” Cas mumbled, his voice barely more than a deep rumble close to his ear, “Let us take care of you.”

Dean wanted to protest and tell them that he wasn’t the one who had gone through one hell of a body-separating-spell-thing but Cas’s lips met his and he was efficiently silenced. And he really didn’t mind that sort of silencing if it felt that good. So he let himself get carried away by the tender touches and the comfort of knowing that Jimmy and Cas wouldn’t go anywhere. They’d stay with him, forever.

“I love you.” It was merely a whisper and he didn’t get an answer, but Dean knew that Jimmy and Cas had heard him. A content smile spread across his face. He had found his safety, his home.


End file.
